The Filthiest Lyrics of All Time!
OUR EXPERTSJane Bernhard: presidential assignee, New York State Parent Teacher Association
Luther Campbell: president of Luke Records and leader of the “legally obscene” 2 Live Crew
Tucker Carlson: neoconservative commentator on MSNBC
Jesse Sheidlower: lexicographer and author of The F Word, a book documenting society’s creative uses for the word fuck.
12. Lil’ Kim, “How Many Licks”
Notorious K.I.M., 2000
THE DIRT Underclothed rapper (dis)honors Tootsie Pop slogan.
FILTHIEST BIT “You like how I look in the aqua green? Get your Vaseline/Roll some weed with some tissue and close your eyes/Then imagine your tongue in between my thighs”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “It’s easy to be sexually explicit without using any abnormal words at all,” says lexicographer Jesse Sheidlower.
BLENDER’S SUGGESTED CLEAN VERSION “You like Martha Stewart with a soup tureen/In her magazine?/Pack your china in tissue and close your eyes/Then imagine yourself with new kitchen supplies”
11. W.A.S.P., “Animal (F**k Like a Beast)”
Animal EP, 1983
THE DIRT Blackie Lawless and friends were denounced by Tipper Gore at Senate hearings in 1985 for this slice of big-hair-metal stupidity. There is no finer publicity.
FILTHIEST BIT “A pelvic thrust and the sweat starts to sting ya/I fuck like a beast”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “It’s taking lifestyles and turning them into gutter styles,” says Jane Bernhard, president of the New York State Parent Teacher Association. “We don’t want children hearing words that describe animalistic behavior.”
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “A simple robe and a starched cotton collar/I dress like a priest”
10. Prince, “Darling Nikki”
Purple Rain, 1984
THE DIRT Prince’s unconventional love song led shocked mothers to throw away their girls’ Purple Rain tapes. One of those mothers, Tipper Gore, was inspired to found the Parents Music Resource Center.
FILTHIEST BIT “I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “Society has changed to make these words less vulgar than they once were,” explains Sheidlower.
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she had happy feet/I met her in a hotel lobby at a Promise Keepers group retreat”
9. Slick Rick, “Indian Girl (An Adult Story)”
The Great Adventures of Slick Rick, 1988
THE DIRT Proto-gangsta’s politically incorrect VD tale.
FILTHIEST BIT “He opened it up with his bare two thumbs/He seen crabs with spears and Indian drums!”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “That’s offensive,” says Sheidlower, “but hardly obscene. It would be obscene if he fucked her corpse or something.”
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “He gave her an exam and some pills to go/And said, ‘That’s covered by your HMO’ ”
8. Marianne Faithfull, “Why’d Ya Do It?”
Broken English, 1979
THE DIRT Gravel-voiced former Rolling Stones?affiliated ingenue spouts withering invective at the guy who cheated on her.
FILTHIEST BIT “Why’d ya do it, she screamed, after all we’ve said/Every time I see your dick I see her c**t in my bed”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “We want to raise children of good moral character,” says Bernhard. “Society as a whole doesn’t want or need to hear lyrics like these.”
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “Oh, you shouldn’t, she sighed, after all we’ve said/Every time you bring me roses I want chocolate instead”
7. Terrance and Phillip, “Uncle Fucka”
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Original Soundtrack, 1999
THE DIRT The South Park movie’s obscenity-filled howler, complete with fart duet
FILTHIEST BIT “You’re an uncle fucka, yes it’s true/Nobody fucks uncles quite like you”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “It’s probably not good for kids to be listening to fuck-your-sister-type albums,” Tucker Carlson, of CNN’s Crossfire, argues. “Kids are already vulgar, so there’s not a lot of reason to reinforce that. It’s like giving malt liquor to an alcoholic.”
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “You’re Uncle Walt, yes it’s true/Cryogenically frozen, turning blue”
6. Fatboy Slim, “In Heaven”
You’ve Come a Long Way Baby, 1998
THE DIRT Flamboyant superstar DJ’s Big Beat classic repeats the lyrics below roughly 8 billion times.
FILTHIEST BIT “Fatboy Slim is fucking in heaven/Fucking in fucking in fucking in heaven”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “Now that’s something you don’t hear every day,” notes rap vulgarian Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew.
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “Fatboy Slim is praying on Sunday/Praying on praying on praying on Sunday”
5. Too $hort, “Freaky Tales”
Born to Mack, 1988
THE DIRT Breakthrough hit for multiplatinum West Coast rapper who created the three-syllable pronunciation of beeeyatch
FILTHIEST BIT “I knew a dick sucker named Betty Jo/Took her to my home and we did it on the floor/The girl got freaky and I tell you more/She was down on her knees beggin’ to blow”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “Lyrics with antihuman themes produce antihuman attitudes,” Carlson says.
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “I knew a house cleaner named Betty Jo/Took her to my home and she vacuumed the floor/The girl got fastidious and I tell you more/She was down on her knees regulatin’ the flow”
4. 2 Live Crew, “Put Her in the Buck”
As Nasty as They Wanna Be, 1989
THE DIRT Miami free-speech heroes and MCs (in that order)
FILTHIEST BIT “Lay the bitch on the bed, flat on her back/Hold her legs up high, make the pussy splak”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “New expressions [such as splak] for sex acts are always arising,” Sheidlower says.
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “Lay the sheet on the bed, design on the back/Fold the top down neatly and tuck in the slack”
3. Rolling Stones, “Cocksucker Blues”
Unreleased, 1970
THE DIRT The Glimmer Twins presented this X-rated single to Decca Records to fulfill a contract. Unsurprisingly, the label didn’t release it. Only available on bootleg.
FILTHIEST BIT “Oh, where can I get my cock sucked?/Where can I get my ass fucked?”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “Our ears can hear only so much in a lifetime,” Bernhard points out, “and we would like not to have our children’s ears filled with words that describe a function of humanity in such violent and terrible ways.”
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “Oh, where can I find Bill Wyman?/Why does he like teen hymen?”
2. Dwarves, “Motherfucker”
Blood, Guts and Pussy, 1990
THE DIRT Violent punks from grunge’s golden age who depicted a naked, bloody dwarf sodomizing a rabbit on their album cover
FILTHIEST BIT “Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mm-motherfucker, ma-ma-mm-motherfucker . . . ”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “Children should not be exposed to that kind of rhetoric in any form,” says Bernhard.
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-my Sharona . . . ”
1. Anti-Nowhere League, “So What”
Single, 1981
THE DIRT The English pub-punk ruffians’ best-known song, later covered by Metallica
FILTHIEST BIT “Well, I’ve fucked a sheep and I’ve fucked a goat/I’ve had my cock right down its throat/So what, so what, you boring little c**t”
OUR EXPERT SAYS “I’ve got three kids, and I’d rather have them smoke cigarettes than listen to shit like that,” says Carlson.
BLENDER’S CLEAN VERSION “Well, I pet the sheep at the petting zoo/I stroke the goats ’til my hand turns blue/So what, so what, it’s a cunning little stunt”
