The 50 Worst Songs Ever! Watch, Listen and Cringe!

15. THE REMBRANDTS “I’ll Be There For You” 1995
With friends like these…



Like a support group crammed into a pop ditty, this theme song–turned–radio hit is crushingly sunny, cheaply “empathetic” and unsparingly upbeat. The Beatles-adoring duo harmonize about romantic travails, dead-end jobs and the overwhelming power of — you guessed it — friendship. The only way it could be more irritating is if they repeated “Turn that frown upside down” for three minutes and 10 seconds. It is a powerfully appropriate theme, as it’s impossible to hear a note and not think of Rachel’s haircut, Chandler’s grin, Ross’s whimper.
Worst Moment Four handclaps punctuate the song’s first line, all mimed peppiness and overprescribed Prozac.


14. BETTE MIDLER “From a Distance” 1990
Satanic ballad depicts the Lord as neglectful oaf



Ignoring an entire century of existentialism and science that declared God dead, bawdy bathhouse babe Bette Midler keeps a straight face throughout liberal homilies, stiff rhymes and more sound F/X than a Mel Gibson movie. Sure, war and famine suck, but Midler assures us that “God is watching us, from a distance.” In other words, the Almighty is some kind of heavenly grandfather, loving and caring, but too doddering and distracted to really get involved. Thanks, God!
Worst Moment The drum machine. If God exists, He probably hates drum machines.


13. GENESIS “Illegal Alien” 1983
Did nobody ever suggest that this song might be considered a teensy bit…offensive?



The ’80s was the decade when rock superstars like Genesis discovered their social conscience. What better way to draw attention to the plight of illegal Hispanic immigrant workers than by adopting a Speedy Gonzales accent and singing a jaunty AOR track depicting Mexicans as freeloading degenerates? Perhaps fearing that the song’s subtle ethnic humor might be missed by some listeners, Phil Collins sported a Zapata mustache and a sombrero in the video.
Worst Moment The middle eight, featuring hilariously accented shouting of the arriba! and eh, greeengo! variety.


12. THE BEACH BOYS “Kokomo” 1988
They might as well have just pissed in Brian’s sandbox



The Boys’ Cocktail soundtrack single was their first number 1 since “Good Vibrations” 18 years earlier. But chart position is all the songs have in common. “Good Vibrations” is a glorious slice of Brian Wilson–penned pop perfection; “Kokomo” is a gloopy mess of faux-Carribean musical stylings cowritten by Mike Love. It’s all anodyne harmonizing and forced rhymes (“To Martinique, that Montserrat mystique!”) that would have driven Brian totally nuts had he not been totally nuts already.
Worst Moment The most diabolical rhyme is saved for, um, first: “Aruba, Jamaica, ooh, I wanna take ya!”

11. CLAY AIKEN “Invisible” 2003
Bad haircut. Worse song!



It’s not just the schmaltzy play for loser pity (“If I was invisible — wait, I already am”). It’s not just the ridiculously purple lyrics. And it’s not just the thought of Aiken’s eternally asymmetrical porcupine ’do quivering as he soars into a high note. It’s the whole hey-girl-I-want-to-watch-you-while-you-think-you’re-alone-in-your-bedroom thing that transforms this song from a merely mediocre ballad to a disturbing voyeur fantasy, filling your head with images of Aiken downloading porn and thinking bad things about that girl from homeroom. What lurks in the hearts of lonely geeks? Clay Aiken knows, and it’s not pretty.
Worst Moment “I wish you could touch me with the colors of your life.”