Top 10 NFL Stadium Anthems That Must Be Retired
5. “It’s My Life,” Bon Jovi: You haven’t lived until you’ve heard 72,000 amped-up football fans attempt to imitate the gnarly talk-box guitar effect. Or not. Note: Any ban of this song will not be enforced at the Jer-Z Meadowlands or at stadiums located within five square miles of an Olive Garden.Try instead: “Dance of Death,” Iron Maiden
4. “Song 2,” Blur: We are a people that celebrate our victories, however minute, with a feverish “woo hoo!” This we know. That some genius thought to set these words to a pummeling backbeat and accompany them with blather about jumbo-jet head checks, or something, doesn’t make it any more tolerable. Try instead: “Sad Songs (Say So Much),” Elton John
3. “Unbelievable,” EMF and “Tubthumping,” Chumbawamba: Is there anybody on the planet who still associates these songs, and their lazy crowd appeal, with anything positive or adrenalizing? God is dead. Try instead: Whale calls. A Bartoli aria. A Fox News simulcast. Something else. Please.
2. “Rock & Roll, Pt. 2,” Gary Glitter: The NFL inhibits post-touchdown celebrations, demands that its players wear their socks between 2.25 and 2.50 millimeters below their kneecaps and fines anyone who makes eye contact with a referee or back judge. The league might as well go the full thought-police route and ban the Glitter anthem (BA NA NA NA NAH kill me now BA NA NA NAH NAH seriously just stab me in the eye with a pencil BA NA NA NA NAH I’m not excited about the on-field action just because I get to say HEY BA NA NA NAH NAH my soul is icy and impoverished HEY) owing to its singer’s issues with the Vietnamese authorities. Try instead: “Deeper Shade of Soul,” Urban Dance Squad
1. “We Will Rock You,” Queen: Oh, will you now? It says here that the whole mass stomp-stomp-clap! thing is vaguely fascist. Ironically enough, the primary Merriam-Webster Online dictionary definition of “rock” happens to be “to move back and forth in or as if in a cradle.” Indeed. Try instead: “Please Don’t Rock Me Tonight,” Fountains of Wayne
