The Blender Book of Awesomely Stupid Records

The Hard Cell
LONGEST PRISON SENTENCE
Holders: Big Lurch and Steady B

It doesn’t get any longer than life without possibility of parole, which is what aspirant Texan rapper Lurch is serving for killing and partially eating the body of a 21-year-old girl while high on PCP in 2002. Steady B, a Philadelphia rapper, is also jailed for life following a 1996 botched bank robbery in which a police officer was killed, a crime for which his accomplice (and old rhyme buddy) Christopher “Cool C” Roney has been sentenced to death.

Snow Patrol
BIGGEST COCAINE HABIT
Holder: Waylon Jennings

“I did more drugs than anyone you ever saw in your life,” said the country outlaw in 1994. Until he cleaned up 10 years before that, Jennings had spent 21 years doing drugs and indulging a $1,500-a-day cocaine habit. Honorable mention goes to Elton John, who at his peak was ingesting cocaine at a rate, he claimed, of “one line every four minutes.”

Burger King
HIGHEST DAILY FAST-FOOD BILL
Holder: Rodney Jerkins

During work on the Spice Girls’ third album, Forever (2000), roly-poly producer Rodney Jerkins reportedly spent over $300 a day at McDonald’s.

The Notorious B.I.G.G.E.S.T.
HEAVIEST RAPPER
Holder: Big Pun

“Four hundred pounds, six feet tall, brutally handsome,” was Big Pun’s optimistic assessment of himself on 2000’s posthumously released “My Turn.” Until he dropped dead of a heart attack in February that year, the New York rapper’s weight fluctuated wildly, topping the scales at nearly 700 pounds. This record looks unlikely to be broken, as the advent of Celebrity Fit Club has encouraged such potential contenders as Biz Markie (lost 40 pounds), Young MC (lost 38 pounds) and D12’s Bizarre (lost 32 pounds) to trim down rather than mount any sort of serious challenge.

Not Waiting in Vain
LONGEST-DELAYED ALBUM
Holder: Smile

Recording on Smile began in 1966, before Brian Wilson’s drug use, mental deterioration and paranoia — he believed Phil Spector had persuaded Columbia Pictures to make the movie Seconds “just to screw with my head” — caused the project to be abandoned. It was eventually released 38 years later, on September 28, 2004.

Putt Seriously
LOWEST GOLF HANDICAP
Holder: Alice Cooper

The most-skilled recording artist around the greens is Alice Cooper. The ghoulish rocker took up golf as a substitute for drinking a bottle of whiskey each day. It was worth it: He now tees off at 6:30 every morning, his diligence rewarded with a mere five handicap.

Show me the money shot
FASTEST-SELLING SEX TAPE
Holder: Paris Hilton

With about 600,000 copies in circulation, 1998’s Pam and Tommy Lee: Hardcore & Uncensored remains one of the highest-selling adult films of all time. However, 1 Night in Paris (2004) — depicting heiress and occasional singer Paris Hilton expressing her love for now ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon — notched up unprecedented advance orders estimated at 200,000 and went on to pass the 500,000 mark.