Art Alexakis: Orchestrating a Breakup

"Oh God," snorts Art Alexakis, calling from his home in Portland, Oregon. "Why would you want to ask a musician relationship questions?" He has a point, though these are the perils of penning "Hater," which the thrice-divorced Everclear frontman hopes will be the "Breakup Song of 2006." After gathering questions on deception and dissolution, Art instructs you, the gentle Blender.com reader, on how to navigate the perilous territory of the heart.


Is there such a thing as an amicable divorce?
Well, my first divorce was pretty amicable, 'cause I don't think either of us really cared. I think when there's some person that still wants to be in the relationship really bad, whether it's a divorce or a breakup, it's not going to be amicable. Rejection sucks. It just goes right to our ego, and we're very ego-based people living in the United States. It took me a while to accept that in my last breakup, but once I did, I realized all this pain and heartbreak that I was dragging around was because I wanted to drag it around. Once I made the decision not to drag it around anymore, I felt a hundred times lighter, but I don't know how to teach someone how to do that. I don't even know if I can do it again. I think it just happens when it happens.

What is the best way to dump a girlfriend but keep all your stuff that's over at her apartment? Clearing it out beforehand tends to look suspicious.
I think it's always best to be honest, and to guilt her right off the bat. The guy needs to get manipulative, you know: "I hope you're not gonna say I can't have my stuff back that's over at your house 'cos that would be really small and childish of you." She'll be so shocked that she'll probably agree to that right away, until the passive aggressive evilness that all women have kicks in. I've never done that. I usually just leave and write it off.

What do you do if you get caught cheating?
You should just admit the whole truth, not partial truth, not conditional truth, not tell them what you think they will accept and still take you back. Tell the whole truth to them and to yourself, 'cause the reason you're cheating is your issue. It has nothing to do with them, it has nothing to do with how good looking they are or how nice they are. It's about you, because if you're cheating that means you've made a commitment that you're breaking. Can you tell I've been through a lot of therapy?

How do you break up with somebody who's playing in your band?
Look at the White Stripes—there's all sort of bands where that happens. Just talk to them and say, "Look, this is my band," and if you really want them in the band, great. Have 'em stay in the band, but they have to know that they're gonna see you with other people, and you gotta know you're gonna see them with other people. Women get vindictive and territorial but men just put it inside and it just kind of festers and festers and festers, and they don't wanna act like it's bothering them to their friends. And then they start doing the crazy stalking and stuff like that.

Have you been stalked?
I got stalked by my ex-wife. She used to sneak back at night and stare in the window. She was living with a guy who used to be a friend of mine, but she would sneak back, probably after he was asleep, and look in my windows when I was there with my lover I was dating at the time, and we would see her. We would see her in the window. We'd go, "Stephanie, what are you doing?" She'd run away.

Get the hell out.
Dude, it got creepy. Really creepy.

Did you consider a restraining order?
Well, it should have been a restraining order, but if I got a restraining order, it would have meant she couldn't have contact with my daughter, her stepdaughter, and now she doesn't have visitation with her anyway because of her behavior. At the time, I didn't wanna do that. I wish I had. When you move out, you're out. Go away. Don't drive by, don't call, don't drunk-dial in the middle of the night. You know you can't do that. Just move on, grow up, deal with your hurt.

So, what advice would you give on how to deal with that?
Send her an e-mail saying, "Look, you can't park outside my house anymore. This is over, I know it's hard, and I'm sorry that it's hard on you, but this is over, and if you park outside my house or if I see you, I am going to get a restraining order, and you won't talk to me, you'll talk to my lawyer from now on." And here is some wisdom that someone told me once: "When people go to lawyers, you both have lost." But some people push it to that point. They leave you no choice.

On a lighter note, what is the best make-up gift to buy a girl?
Not flowers, not candy. Those things die. Something that is obviously from you that shows that you thought about them. Even if it's a CD playing when they get home or a cheap bracelet you bought down on the street for ten bucks or something, but if it's something that shows that you put some consideration into it and you were thinking of them, that means a lot.

How about writing them a song?
Yeah, that'd work too.

Isn't that the songwriter's secret weapon?
Yeah, and also a song when you break up. That's good too. That's the kick that keeps on kicking. [Laughs]


Everclear official site