How To: Buy Lingerie for Your Lady

1. Do Homework
“Go to the store prepared with her measurements. You’ll only get one chance to make the right impression. If you buy too big, your lady will think you’re saying she’s fat. And if you buy too small, she’ll think you’re saying she’s fat. Either way, you’re screwed.”

2. Get Help
“Don’t be afraid to ask the salespeople for help. They are there to guide you through this embarrassing time. For bras, the classic ‘I think she’s about your size, lemme see …’ always seems to work. I still fall for it, and I don’t even sell bras! Just visualize your kitty all dressed up, and be brave!”

3. Test Drive
“Gotta try out the merchandise. But not on yourself, silly! Ask the closest woman to try on those crotchless panties and see if you like what you’re buying. Remember, stores often have a no-return policy on underwear, so you need to play it safe. You wouldn’t buy a car without test-driving it, would you?”

4. Be Selfish
“Think about what you want and stop pretending this is a present for her. It’s like when Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday and it was inscribed ‘Homer.’ Even if you think something is too risqué for her, buy it anyway. She can wear it on Halloween, the day most women dress like the sluts they are.”

Out Now:
Morningwood
(Capitol)


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