Who Does Fred Durst Think He Is?

Your self-portrait looks deep. Can you decode it for us?
Inside the head are two aliens — Dallas, my 3-year-old son, and me. We’re standing on an octave that’s basically my mouth, meaning I want everything that comes out to be in harmony with my main goal: to be the best father I can be. Underneath is a decaying skyline for my teeth, which symbolizes the big-city life that I’m moving away from. There’s a sun above Dallas, and there’re a tear above me because I’ve never loved anybody like I love him. There’s nothing really fun or rock & roll about it.

Hey, Mr. Nookie: when did you become such a Mr. Mom?
Ever since 9/11, I’ve scaled everything down. I had diamond earrings, cars, a big house in Bel Air. It was fun to have nice things, because I come from a poor family. But I started thinking more about the people around me. Once I stopped paying for dinners, a lot less people are hanging around.

What did you do last night?
I have a half-pipe in my backyard and some guys came over for a session. Then I made Dallas dinner. I fucked up his shrimp by making it too spicy. I felt bad, so I gave him some sugar-free pudding. Before I put him to sleep, we played the Lego Star Wars videogame. Then a sitter came over while I went to a movie screening.

OK, Dad, how much is a quart of milk?
I know how much Rice Dream is: $3.50. Once I realized we are the only animals that eat another animal’s milk, I stopped giving my son dairy.

What was your nickname at school?
Pop Tart and Marshmallow — I was one of the only white guys breakdancing in my town. My dad called me Chucky Chicken Lips.

You’re on a date. What’s an instant deal-breaker?
Cigarette smoking. I hate the smell. No matter how much gum and perfume you use, you can’t cover it up.

The girl you were poking from behind on your sex tape was a nonsmoker?
Ah, the stolen sex tape. The CIA investigated and said that my G4 had been hacked by the Illmob, a famous hacking crew. Their middleman set up a meeting with my manager somewhere in Nevada or Arizona to show them the clip and demand money. I was like, fuck that! People just love me to be a train wreck. And, uh, I’ve lost a lot of weight since then!

What personal habit do you have that people find most annoying?
From what I’ve read over the past few years, everything.

What reality TV show would you appear on?
None, but they’ve all hit me up. They would love to see me go out like that! Some people may need the paycheck or the exposure. I’m just not that guy.

If we drug-tested you, what would we find?
Just weed. I started smoking a year ago on a whim. I took a puff and it brought on an hour’s worth of this unbelievable sensation. All my inhibitions and fears were gone, and I was able to really tune into stuff. So every couple of weeks I’ll do that.

This is a good stoner question: What happens when you die?
It’s just too deep of a question! Ten years ago, thoughts like these weren’t on my radar. I know we’re all energy in spirit and this is just a form that we’re filling. And when energy leaves one place, it has to go onto somewhere else. But I know, if there is a heaven and a hell, I’m going to be on the good side. And I feel happy about that.