Who Does Kelly Osbourne Think She Is?

That’s a very minimalist self-portrait you’ve done.
I’m a crap drawer. I figured, I’ve got really big lips—if I put lipstick on and kiss the paper, it would look more artistic than me trying to draw.

And what do you think that it says about you?
That I’ve got a big mouth.

Your mom must be proud! If you could make one apology, what would it be?
I’d say I’m sorry to my parents for being such an asshole for five years.

Which five years?
The five I was on drugs—from 14 to 19. I hate to feel. I don’t even like feeling happy. Emotions are scary to me. The only way to shut up what was going on inside my head was to take painkillers. I would smoke, sniff and swallow whatever I could get my hands on. Hallucinogenics, E and crack are the only drugs I’ve never done.

What drug will you never take again?
Heroin. It’s disgusting. I’m lucky I never injected it. I only smoked it a few times. It is so addicting—the people who inject it never come back. I will never touch that drug again, ever.

Didn’t your father ever tell you anything about drugs that put you off?
Fuck, yeah. But when you’re a kid, your parents are like, “Don’t touch that button!” What do you do? You push the button.

What was your nickname at school?
“Cheesy Poof,” because I hated the cafeteria food and the only thing I would eat was the macaroni and cheese. My family call me “Totsy”—in the ’70s the Hotsy Totsy club was a strip club.

What do you spend too much money on?
Clothes. When I go to Japan I pack half a suitcase and end up leaving with four. I have a Japanese person’s body—a small frame but a fat arse—and all Japanese clothes fit me perfectly.

Take us through your worst haircut.
The one I have underneath this wig. I look like a dyke on a bike. It’s just a disaster.

Which phrase do you never want to hear again?
“You’re a lot nicer and skinnier in real life.” People think that’s a compliment. But it’s not.

If you were a man, who would you want to be?
Someone really gay. So … Elton John. He’s so talented and fabulous and throws the best parties and lives the most amazing life.

What do you look for in a man?
Someone that will tell me to fuck off, and has a sense of humor. I don’t want somebody that’s gonna sit there and appease me all the time. And I don’t like people that are really quiet either.

What personal habit do you have that people find annoying?
I suck my thumb. And my boyfriend hates it: In my sleep sometimes he can hear me sucking on my thumb. But he snores—so fuck him.

What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever stolen from a hotel room?
I don’t steal things. I’ve never stolen anything from a hotel room. Because someone has to replace it—and why would I when I can just get it myself?

When was the last time you cried?
I cried on the phone to my dad on the 20th of this month, because it was his one-year sobriety day. It’s the first time in my life that he’s been sober for more than three weeks.

What will you be doing for your 21st birthday?
I’ll probably be getting shitfaced. At the Hard Rock in Vegas, so I can gamble. I love slot machines —pulling that little thing and pushing the buttons. I could sit there on the 25-cent slot machines for eight hours non-stop without a break.

So who do you think you are?
I have no fucking idea. I have so many questions—about myself, how I look at things, how I should say things, what I want to do with my life … and when you know who you are, you don’t have to ask yourself those questions.