Dear Superstar: Michael Stipe

"I'm tired of being this solemn poet of the masses, the enigma shrouded in a mystery,” says Michael Stipe between slurps of a double macchiato decaf at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont.

Indeed, while he looks, as always, like a slightly grumpy monk, he is more than capable of laughing at himself, despite being tired from touring in support of R.E.M.’s new album, Around the Sun. When Blender remarks that his blue onstage makeup makes him look like something from Blade Runner, the 45-year-old puckishly counters, “It’s more like The Incredibles on a bad jag. But I was there first!”

Even so, it is with some trepidation that Blender draws his attention to the inclusion of “Shiny Happy People” in our 2004 “Worst Songs of All Time” list.

“I’m deeply honored” he replies. “It was an exercise in bubblegum. It’s not a terrible song; it’s just irritating to some degree.”

And so, moving on to the answering-your-questions part of the day. Stipe seems to know what to expect: “You want clever answers to snarky questions that are going to make fun of me.”

If you hadn’t shaved off all your hair, what kind of ’do would you be sporting?
BOSCHREP, TEMPE, AZ
I probably would have a really long beard, and that long bad hair that people have. I’d like to have a mullet, but I’m not sure I’m capable. My worst hair day lasted a year, 1989. It was a combination of every bad haircut from the ’80s all rolled into one, kind of a fauxhawk and a rattail going down the back. It was beyond tragic. I’m just shocked that no one sat me down and said, “What the fuck are you thinking?”

What practical advice would you give the newly famous?
TEEBONEARK, NORTHAMPTON, MA
Never eat broccoli when there are cameras around.

You must have gotten some interesting film role offers in your time. What was the most ludicrous?
AREEEM, ATHENS, GA
Playing the gay neighbor opposite Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. I read the first 10 pages and I said, “This is shit.”

What is your worst memory from high school?
SANTANA62, JACKPOT, NV
Grades 9 through 12.

What are the best and worst things about being Courtney Love’s friend?
MATTX8656, PHELPS, NY
She’s mercurial, and one of the most solid people I’ve ever met. There’s none of the bullshit in the middle and she is as smart as Peter Buck. That’s the best and the worst.

What is the coolest thing you own?
XDANIELLAX, KODAK, TN
My iPod that was programmed by Peter Buck. It has 7,000 songs hand-picked for me by him.

What kind of drunk are you?
BUGRAD99, BOSTON
Amiable. I just laugh and laugh and laugh. When I get really hammered I take my clothes off. That’s a sure sign. It’s been a long time since the last time I did that. Probably a year.

What do you dream about?
DENISE PALM, VERGAS, MN
The future. It’s never scary, but it’s always postapocalyptic. Everything has been blown up and put back together again.

When was the last time you had a cry on your pillow?
DISTIPEAL, LARGO, FL
I don’t cry in my pillow. On planes I always cry. Something about altitude, the lack of oxygen and the bad movies. I cried over a St. Bernard movie once on a plane. That was really embarrassing. Of course the flight attendant came over: “Would you like some more ice?” And I’m like: [sobbing] “No, I’m fine!”

What is your most irrational fear?
UMGNASH, KULPSVILLE, PA
Swimming in lakes. Swimming in the ocean too. We made part of the record in Miami, and I would go down to the beach, and not 20 feet from the water I see a fish that is at least seven feet long swimming close to the shore. I did not go back in the ocean the entire month. I was terrified. I called the coast guard. I went online. I was obsessed. I lost two days in the studio over that stupid fish.

What TV show would you like to do a guest spot on?
MISTYBLUE, HARTFORD
They always want me to play myself and that’s a big snooze. I really wanted to be on Six Feet Under as a corpse. That would be hysterical.

How long do you wait after a date until you call?
PLAYASGAME, VARYSBURG, NY
I text right away.

Get more inside dish on this Athens, Georgia native in the March issue of Blender on newsstands now.