Who Does William Shatner Think He Is?

Jay Leno just walked by and said that your self-portrait “looks like someone with bad hair implants, singing into a potato.”
What is he talking about? I’m a rock & roll singer on my knees, can’t he tell? And that’s a microphone.

Yet there seems to be something missing.
Oh, my nose? I have given a primal scream and I’ve swallowed it.

What did your third grade report card say about you?
My behavior in the classroom was unacceptable. I was a clown, a jokester and an athlete.

What was your nickname?
Toughie. In those days, we didn’t know how to spell, so it was probably T-U-F-Y.

What do people who don’t like you say about you?
“Asshole” comes immediately to mind.

How would you characterize your taste in sex?
Florid. Your readers can interpret that any way they wish.

Have you ever had a Bob Crane home video moment?
Well, I’ve gotten tangled up in electrical wires, but only around my feet.

If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be?
I don’t like the six-pack abs I have. It is so in-your-face. Especially if you’re kneeling.

What is your least favorite kind of music?
Before lunch, I would’ve said punk. Now I’m beginning to look at punk like I must have looked at rock & roll. When rock & roll first came on the scene, I shunned it. I was frozen in the musical taste of the time, which was ballads and swing. You’ve got to jar yourself out of the lines in the coloring book. I’m afraid to have a least favorite music in case I’m missing something.

What song makes you cry like a bitch?
Something like “Memory,” from the original cast recording of Cats, would do it.

When it’s cocktail time, what’s Bill having?
Bill will have some bubbly apple stuff, a sparkling cider. I once had a $25,000 bottle of wine and it was the greatest I ever tasted.

How many glasses of $25,000 wine does it take to get you to sing “Mr. Tambourine Man”?
If you say “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” I’ll do it for cider.

So, William Shatner, who do you think you are?
I think I’m a man trying to keep my head above water. I’m treading as hard as I can.