Dear Superstar: John Mayer

“So, where’s the monkey?” John Mayer asks Blender. “Don’t you guys always take pictures of me with a monkey?”

Well, yes — the last time we met up with the singer-songwriter, in the spring of 2002, we did indeed photograph him in the company of a chimpanzee named Apollo. Since then, however, a lot has changed. Mayer has become a bona fide superstar whose new album, Heavier Things, debuted at number 1. Apollo, meanwhile, has been sold to a cosmetics-testing facility. (We kid!)

But fame and fortune appear to have altered Mayer little, as he obliges our photographer by lasciviously slipping a hand down his jeans while mulling over his upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live.

“Actually, I was a little nervous about doing the show,” the 26-year-old says. “But I feel more relaxed now that I’ve actually been there and had the opportunity to smell stuff, touch stuff, lick stuff.”

Which piece of SNL furniture, pray, received the attentions of the Mayer tongue?

“Oh, all of it,” he replies. “Now, do you guys want a picture of my cameltoe? Or shall we just shove the camera down my ass?”

You’re six-foot-three, definitely on the taller-than-you-think side of the pop spectrum. Is it, um, longer than we’d think as well?
THECASM, SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL
Yeah, it’s been three years. That’s not what the questioner meant? That’s my answer!

Have you ever sung your song “Come Back to Bed” to someone you wanted to come back to bed?
CLARKBAR, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIFORNIA
Never. Someday, though. Maybe it’ll come in handy when I say something stupid.

You’ve dated both Jennifer Love Hewitt and Heidi Klum. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, “I am a god among men!”?
JUNE2783, NEW YORK
I actually have not dated both Jennifer Love Hewitt and Heidi Klum. I have had meals with Heidi Klum. What happens when you meet people you’ve seen only as beautiful or unobtainable is that you realize they’re just people — and you run out of jerk-off fantasies. When you have more friends than jerk-off fantasies, you want to stop meeting people. But no, I don’t look in a mirror and think that. Actually, I don’t have mirrors in my house at all. I’ve got a fat head. A giant, fat head! I just assume that it’s my, um, personality. And my three years!

A friend of mine went to the party Justin Timberlake threw after this year’s VMAs, and he said you two were flirting. Any truth to this?
JAMESCON323, LETHBRIDGE, ALBERTA
Could be. Maybe. There’s a certain sexuality that some friends have, absolutely. I think sexuality has to exist between any two living things for those two living things to get along. You know, do Steven Tyler and Joe Perry flirt with each other? Absolutely. That’s what makes things cool. But not, like, weiner-in-tush flirting. By the way, that’s the extent of my vocabulary when it comes to working “blue.”

Why do you look so weird when you sing? I don’t mean to be rude, but I had to ask.
CMARTINFRIENDSTER, POTOMAC, MARYLAND
Uh…open parentheses, “Go fuck yourself,” closed parentheses. The real answer? It’s just the way it comes out. I agree it looks stupid, but I can’t help what’s going on. If I could, I’d change it to something much better. I just have to accept that that’s the shape of my face that gets the notes out. I call my face the “note squeezer.”

What’s up with the tattoo on your arm? You have three squares, and only two of them are filled in. Why?
STIRTOES, SALT LAKE CITY
Somebody asked me that the other day. I told them it just fell off. Actually, I didn’t realize when I got a tattoo on my forearm that I was going to engage in a conversation about that tattoo every time someone came up to me.

Women feel particularly noble and smart when they say to me, “Don’t finish the third one — it’s already done!” As if I needed some strange woman to tell me about the impermanence of life. The reason is that I like getting tattoos, but I don’t like actually having a lot of tattoos. I like to keep it more flesh than ink. So the idea there is to fill it in a little bit at a time.

When was the last time that you lost your temper?
GOGOBRO, DULUTH, MINNESOTA
Years. The last time I got pissed off? Yesterday. But I hadn’t been pissed off in a long time before yesterday. What did I get pissed off about? Feeling trapped in this job. Feeling helpless. But it all means that you end up eating better, you know what I mean?

It’s funny — every time someone asks me when the last time I cried was, it’s always the day after I cry. I didn’t cry for two years before that. So I say, “Yesterday, but let me tell you about the time before.” And they’re not interested.

What was your nickname when you were in school?
CHOPPERZ, SYRACUSE, NEW YORK
I didn’t have one. I always wanted one. I always wanted a nickname, and I always wanted to wear eyeglasses. I used to try to take eyeglasses from the lost-and-found, but they never fit me because my head was so big. I’d fake headaches for a while as a kid so I could go to the optometrist.

Did you ever want to be anything other than a musician?
PALEMOON, MEDFORD, OREGON
Yeah, and I’ll give you them in order: Popeye. A fighter pilot. A radio DJ. An actor. And then I wanted to be a musician.

What was the first time you ever performed live like?
JOETRANSYLVANIA, RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA
It was the most nerve-wracking experience of my life. It was even worse because I’d walked around with my chest out the week before talking about how great it was going to be. It was at this preteen talent show, and my fingers locked up, I was so nervous. It was kind of a kick in the nuts. I was going to whip out my guitar histrionics in front of everybody, and I really imploded emotionally. I cried afterward. I cried like a bitch. My mom had to pick me up. That was the worst.

Is it true that as a kid you used to go to school dressed as Jimi Hendrix?
IF6WAS9, PARAMUS, NEW JERSEY
Yeah — with, like, a big conch-shell belt and the hat and the silk shirt with all the jewelry like he had. Even I thought of myself as a schmuck by the end of the day.

Your parents are both teachers. Were they pissed off when you dropped out of college?
BIZZERL, COLUMBUS, OHIO
No, because by the time I went to college they were so over me making decisions they didn’t agree with. There was just more “I told you so.” I was the black sheep for the longest time.

You don’t drink. Why not?
BARFPRO, LONG BEACH, NEW YORK
Because when I say I don’t drink, most women gasp and go, “That is sooo cool!” But someone in my position has to stay really attuned to what works for you and what doesn’t.

I did [drink] one time: I got really drunk outside my parents’ house when they were home. I had about 20 shots of vodka, and it made me sicker than I’ve ever been in my life. My mom was there patting my back, and my dad was there like, “What’s going on?” So I thought, “This is not for me.” Also, I’ve seen enough Behind the Music to understand that all this can be taken away by Mr. Jack Daniel or Mr. Crown Royal.

Can I send you my underwear?
LITTLEMISSBROADWAY, LAS VEGAS
Yes, but don’t send them to my managers’ office, because they’ll take them. Send them straight to me and mark them USED LAUNDRY.

What’s your favorite joke?
ESTHEREO, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
My favorite joke is so dirty I can’t tell it to you. It would make the beginning of Saving Private Ryan look like fucking Barney. But I can tell you the punch line: “The answer is my son.”

When you finally get the chance to run through the halls of your high school and scream at the top of your lungs, what will you say?
PULLEY0311, LONDON, ONTARIO
“This is just like the song!” And then I’ll laugh.

What’s your biggest fear?
TWIZTEDHYBRID
Anything to do with ghosts or possessions. That whole thing. Because an intruder has to break down your door. Ghosts and demons just slide under. Who’s to say that they’re not there? When I’m home alone at night, who’s to say?

I think what I’m really talking about is insanity. Yeah, I’m going to make that my official answer: I’m scared of schizophrenia or multiple-personality [disorder]. I think that’s the scariest thing in the world. I saw A Beautiful Mind and I was like, “I do not want to come down with that.”

Your song “City Love” helped me get laid. Any other recommendations for get-laid-quick songs?
ISELLCRACK
I tend to think that the way to get laid quicker is not to go the ballad route. But go to the lick-the-finger-and-touch-the-nipple sound. If I wanted to get laid right now, I wouldn’t put on a slow song — I’d put on “Frontin’,” by the Neptunes. Be different! Don’t try to get her with the old sensitivo. She’ll be waiting for that. What she’s not waiting for is [sings in falsetto] “You got me workin’, working, baaaby!”

You’ve traveled all over the country. What’s the best town to party in?
PEDROTHEBEAR, DETROIT
L.A.’s pretty fun — it’s really easy to get something going on. New York’s good. Any place that inspires you to grab onto your full rock & roll potential and say, “Let’s just get the top floor.” Boston’s a good place. Boston knows how to party. Boston was born on partying. Even a moment of revolution and strife was still a party — it was the Boston Tea Party. There was probably a lot more high-fiving actually going on there than is in the pictures.

What do you really suck at?
PINTOBOOM, AMES, IOWA
I suck at math. I’m not a very good listener, unless the topic interests me in the most intense way. I’m not really coordinated at sports. I’m a terrible drummer. I’m really bad at dancing. I can’t see 3D pictures. I’m really bad at…most things, actually. When you take all the things I’m bad at, it actually makes sense that I’d be really good at one thing.

Which pop stars could you beat in a fight?
TULLER, OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA
I don’t know. Are there any paraplegic pop bands out there? The Parkinson’s Five?

Has anyone ever confused you with another celebrity?
BIGWIMP, MOBILE, ALABAMA
Not confused me full-on. But I do get Bill Cosby a lot.

Why is it that I’m always standing behind someone as tall as you are when I go to see a show?
RILLYKEWL, ORLANDO, FLORIDA
Because the world is holding something much cooler in store for you. Did I ever feel sorry for people standing behind me at shows? Yes. But I stopped feeling sorry about the same time as I started taking full-on loud dumps in public bathrooms.

Let me tell you something: When you find it in yourself to make poo with the same passion and dedication when other people are around as you do by yourself at home, it starts to mean so much more. You’ll find extra confidence in other areas of your life. I’ve started saying, “This is me, this is the sound of me going.” And if anybody has a problem with that, then, well, we’re going to talk.

Do you read your own reviews? If so, what’s the nastiest thing anyone’s ever written about you?
RAJ500, NEWARK, DELAWARE
I have read reviews. The nastiest thing was that I was smarmy and pandering and insincere. You just chalk it up to the way it goes. Everything in my life has its place — I would rather have a guy who doesn’t like me write a review in a creative way than have somebody come up to me and go, “You’re John Mayer. You suck!” That would hurt 10 times worse.

What’s the most extravagant rock-star purchase you’ve ever made?
KOOKOOKAJOOB, LONDON, ENGLAND
That Fabergé egg, maybe.


Dear Superstar
Got a question you’re desperate to ask a superstar? Let Blender be your intermediary. Send your questions to us, and we’ll put the smartest to the world’s greatest music stars. Neat, huh? Just check out blender.com for upcoming interviews. Then be sure to put your name and contact information on your question. Good luck!

Mail:
Dear Superstar
Blender
1040 Avenue of the Americas
22nd floor
New York, NY 10018

E-mail: superstar@blender.com