Dear Superstar: Method Man

Wu-Tang Clan members aren’t known for punctuality. So it’s a small shock when Blender enters a spacious lounge in New York City’s Hit Factory recording studios and finds that Method Man, the Clan’s biggest star, has beaten us here.

Working a two-way pager with one hand while clutching a suspiciously tightly rolled cigar in the other, the six-foot-four Clifford Smith is getting his beard trimmed. Trading the blunt for a mirror, he checks himself out and groans. “My face looks naaasty!”

He’s being characteristically modest about his appearance. When he released the double-platinum Tical in 1994, the handsome rapper buried himself in a junkyard of gold fronts and colored contacts. Today, with a series of movies under his belt — including a starring role in the 2001 stoner comedy How High — Mef has quit the disguises but kept the humility.

Two hours and half a blunt later, we’re just starting the interview, and it’s clear that Method Man still follows his own clock (his third album, Tical 0: The Prequel, has been five years in the making). His year-and-a-half-old son, Ray, sits on his lap but can’t distract him. Nor does his presence keep Method’s language clean: “That question is fucking wack!” he erupts at one point, grinning.

You dealt drugs when you were a teenager. How come your rhymes never refer to that part of your past?
SHOTEEBANGZ, SAN RAFAEL, CALIFORNIA
I hated having to go out on the block and scramble — that’s the worst job in the world, especially if you ain’t making any real money. I was selling crack cocaine, running up on cars with, like, 16 other motherfuckers all sellin’ shit in the same spot. Five minutes later, TNT [Tactical Narcotics Team] raids the block, and everybody gotta scamper. I hated that shit.

What’s your favorite slang word, and can you use it in a sentence?
YPSILANDRO, PORTLAND, OREGON
Silverback. If you’re a gorilla nigga, if you can just roar and twist someone’s fuckin’ head off, then you’re a silverback. It’s like the alpha male.

When you were a kid, your parents fought a lot, and you spent most of your time living with your mother. Do you and your dad still talk?
CUTIETHONG, BOISE, IDAHO
Nah. I don’t fuck with the dude. Last time we talked was about eight years ago. It’s the old story: He wasn’t around much. He didn’t fuck with me then, why fuck with him now?

What’s the most treasured comic book you own?
KHOOLIA9, DECATUR, GEORGIA
Wolverine’s first appearance ever, in The Hulk — I think it’s issue 189 [actually 181]. I found it six years ago and paid $300 for it, and now it’s worth $1,500. I have 15,000 comics in a warehouse, all bagged individually. You have to use the acid-free joints, or the color comes off.

Which kiss was hotter at the VMAs — Madonna and Christina Aguilera or Madonna and Britney Spears?
CAMCAM2001, HEMPSTEAD, NEW YORK
Britney, because she slipped Madonna the tongue.

Why did you say that you regretted winning a Grammy in 1996 for your song “I’ll Be There for You/All I Need to Get By,” with Mary J. Blige?
GF_JENNIE, CHICAGO
The experience was fucked up. They sat me in the fan seats, and I had my pregnant woman with me. Then I had to talk with interviewers who didn’t know who I was: “Why do you wear your pants rolled up?” You wouldn’t ask Michael Jackson why he wears high-waters! Then it was like, “OK, take your Grammy and get the fuck out of here.”

You worked with Fred Durst on his single “All N 2gether Now.” How would you rate his skills as an MC?
MR_KRAKALAK, LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY
In his area of MCs, I would place him at an 8. But as far as our MCs, he’d probably be about a 4. If he approached a freestyle cipher on my street corner, I’d give him a shout, but people wouldn’t feel him.

Are you really doing a documentary on strippers, or is that just an excuse to go to a bunch of strip clubs?
FREEZPHANTOM, BATTLE CREEK, MICHIGAN
No, I was like, “I want to do a documentary about strippers, ’cause it’s a moneymaker. Let’s do it.” Straight to DVD with it. I went to clubs in New York, Miami, Houston and L.A. One girl who stands out was this Miami stripper. She still lives with her mother and father, and they know she strips. They call her by her stripper name, Freaky Red. That’s the ultimate for me. The movie is done, but I’m not sure when it’ll come out.

You have three kids. Do you and your wife take turns on diapers?
MAXAMILLION, BELFAST, MAINE
Mommy does it all. If I’m wiping my ass and a little shit gets on my finger, I freak the fuck out. Same reason I have no pets, because it just smells like the animal’s ass all up and down the house. I can’t even have a goldfish, because I’ll be high, trying to eat a bowl of cereal, and look at it and be like, “Why the eyes gotta be on both sides of the head? Why those scales be movin’?” Freak me the fuck out!

I’m a gay hip-hop fan. Do you think there will ever be an openly gay gangsta rapper?
NIGHTSHADEZ83, CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA
I don’t think any gay dude is gangsta, period. How many gangsters you know, from Al Capone up to John Gotti, been gay? You can’t be fuckin’ people in the ass and say you’re gangsta. I’m against gay marriage, too. We’re here to reproduce.

What’s the most weed you’ve ever smoked in one sitting?
BULLTPROOF9893, BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA
It depends. If I got a flight to catch and I just bought a half o-z, I’ll smoke it all — I can’t get weed on a plane, ’cause I’ve been red-flagged. The most I’ve smoked in a day was over an ounce, in Germany. It was a big-ass plastic bag, and Redman had one, too. Took us 12 hours, while we were doing interviews. We sat in a hotel room and they brought dudes in, one after the other. After a while, you can’t get any higher. It’s like your head is in a wind tunnel — everything is vibrating.

If you could do a love scene with any actress, who would it be?
GOLDFANGERR, SCHAUNBERG, ILLINOIS
I don’t want to say Halle Berry, because that’s what everybody says. I’d have a sex scene with Whoopi Goldberg or Star Jones. I’d knock that there! Whoopi would make me laugh in bed. And Star Jones, she looks like she can cook: the way to a man’s heart!

You once called Snoop Dogg the worst rapper/actor. Who’s the best?
JIMB8763478, HOUSTON
Mos Def. He represented in Bamboozled when he played Big Blak Afrika — nobody could’ve played that the way he played it. I liked Snoop in The Wash, though. And I loved him in Training Day. He was like, “Shit, put me in the front seat with him; I bet I’ll whip his ass” — that was the best line of the movie right there.

In the Def Jam Vendetta video game, your character’s special move involves clawing your opponent’s nuts. When was the last time you got into a fight?
DADONDADA1, KENT, OHIO
No, that move is Redman’s. Mine is the “Methalizer,” where I crack a dude’s back over my shoulders, throw his legs up in the air and then crush his head on the floor. It’s been so long since I was in a real fight. I’m a peaceful dude. About 12 years ago, some guy walked up on me, said my name and punched me right in my motherfuckin’ face. Boom! I went down on one knee and felt my own Walkman come flying past my face — swoosh — it barely missed me. I grabbed him, he fell to the floor and I was crawlin’ up his chest, about to let him have some Ultimate Fighting Championship shit, but his brother jumped me from behind.

Hey, Right Guard pitchman: Which do you recommend, the stick or the gel?
JAKYLLFIRE, DENVER
The stick. It lasts longer. I go with the Power Stripe. I asked them for a free carton, but they don’t send me shit. Or they did, and I never got it. There’s probably a bunch of Power Stripe floating through the Def Jam offices right now. That’s how it is at Def Jam — sometimes they steal your shit!

What exactly were you doing to make money before you joined the Wu-Tang Clan in 1992?
RDREYNOLDSJR, CLINTON TOWNSHIP, MICHIGAN
Scramblin’, sellin’ drugs. All my legitimate jobs were embarrassing. I used to be stock boy at an Odd-Lot, making $35 a day. So to make those checks better, I used to steal lollipops and sell them at school — but I got caught. Stealin’ fucking lollipops!

I’ve lived in New York City all my life, and I’ve never once been to Staten Island. If I visit, where should I go?
BATS199, BROOKYLN
Someplace besides Staten Island. It’s boring as hell out there. Growing up, there was nothing to do. Every time someone would throw a party, it’d end up in a fight. There’s a good place to get Italian ices, though: Ralph’s on Port Richmond Avenue. Go there and get your icy.

Have you ever had your hair cut at the Wu-Tang-owned beauty salon in Staten Island?
SATIQUEWON, WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA
Hell, no. That was a family-owned business, and families fuck your shit up. But you’re talking about Wu-Nails — I don’t think they did hair anyway. Wu-Tang should’ve stayed out of the salon business, and the clothing business, too. When Wu-Wear started making shoes and sneakers and pants, it was shoddy material. I never rocked that shit.

What would you do if you found a dime bag of weed in one of your kids’ bedrooms?
NENEBOOM, GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT
I’d take it. Then I’d approach him, smokin’ a joint of his shit. I’d be like, “Here, hit this, hit it!” As soon as he put it to his lips, I’d slap the shit out of him. Then I’d smoke it and be like, “This weed is mine now.” I don’t want him smokin’ that shit at all. I was fucked up because I had people pushin’ that shit in my face from age 11.

You’ve claimed that your penis has grown since you made your last album. By how much, and is there a special diet you can tell me about?
DOC_BOOGIE, POULTNEY, VERMONT
I was joking, man. But I’ve got a tip: Lose weight. That’s how your penis grows. And shave all the hair off — that’s the trick.

Redman’s house on MTV Cribs was a dump. Is yours any nicer?
LILFREFRE, GARY, INDIANA
I’m in between homes right now, but my last house was dope. Four bedrooms, basement, Jacuzzi, projection-screen TV. Walk-in shower with a bench. I put all that shit in myself.

Who’s number 1 on your shit list at the moment?
HARRISGBL, LAKE GEORGE, NEW YORK
There’s so many fuckin’ people. Number 1 on my shit list right now is Divine from Wu-Tang management. He took something major from me that he had no intention of giving back.

Tical 2000 predicted the apocalypse. How disappointed were you when the world didn’t end?
FLAIR4AIR, QUEENS, NEW YORK
I was just playin’ with it, boy. When the ball dropped in 1999, I was holding dough and champagne in my hands and holding my kids.

How High was great cinema. Can you recommend three other stoner-movie classics?
SHARONTL143, HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIFORNIA
Dazed and Confused — that one’s good, with Ben Affleck, right? Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke, and Reefer Madness.

André from Outkast has a new song with Norah Jones. Who’s an unlikely person you’d like to collaborate with?
HARD2TAP, EDISON, NEW JERSEY
Fiona Apple. That would be crazy. I haven’t really heard her music, but she’s aaight! She’s tight, and she’s down to earth.

What’s the most expensive thing that you’ve purchased since you became a big star?
CAVELLO.CAT, YONKERS, NEW YORK
My wedding and house were expensive, but the stupidest thing was this piece of jewelry [plays with his diamond-studded necklace]. It’s a diamond ice pick, and it cost $100,000. Custom from Jacob the Jeweler.

What do you think is going to happen to Kobe Bryant?
60TALISMAN, MURFREESBORO, TENNESSEE
They’re gonna settle. I have sympathy for him, though: You’re a superstar, you’re a target. She’s like, “I’ll give you a little pussy; now I’m going to the cops.” He has every reason to kick himself in the ass right now. Shit, I probably would’ve done the same shit in his shoes, but not that far — I wouldn’t have dooked her in the dook chute! That’s lame.