Useful Tips From the Stars! How To Get Fat

1. EAT WHILE YOU EAT!
“We have two hands for a reason. If you’re eating a burger, take it in one hand and scoop up chips or coleslaw with the other. While you’re taking a bite of the burger, get ready to eat out of the other hand. Also, never walk away from the table empty-handed! Have fists full of food: cookies, protein bars, milkshakes!”

2. ONLY EAT!
“While you’re eating, you may be compelled to take a sip of a beverage or to have conversation. These are time wasters! Drinks should be turned into food. Milk is perfect — it has lots of fat, and it freezes nicely. Once it’s frozen, crumble it over your food. Also, don’t risk losing interest by eating something ‘healthy’ — ever!”

3. DO SUPER SQUATS!
“I am not here to intimidate. I am not a musclehead. I am simply concerned with having that scale say a higher number than before. Don’t let people stop you from doing super squats — this exercise will build mass. That way, when you throw yourself against a wall, you can feel that wall give in as it should!”

4. TIMING IS EVERYTHING!
“Eat right before you go to bed. Consume as many late-night carbs as you can. Ideally, you should want to puke before you go to bed. Mix up a milkshake with dehydrated milk, protein powder, chicken, whatever! Get the job done. As you lie down for sleep, you should feel the milkshake building up to the back of the throat.”