Dear Superstar: Robert Plant

“I am everything,” declares Robert Plant, administering the mightiest handshake in rock. “I am hungry and I am thirsty” — here he launches into the extraordinary shriek that held Led Zeppelin aloft for more than a decade — “and I need a little luuuuv.”

Padding around an English penthouse suite that provides a panoramic view of his native Black Country, the 53-year-old singer is in a playful mood, flirting shamelessly with the two women tending to his careworn face and mutinous mop of blond curls. Later, when Blender remarks that his seventh solo album, Dreamland — a psychedelic stew of twenty-first-century blues — is a work of considerable power, Plant laughs. “Of course it’s a fucking good record! You get a whole slice of my life for a mere $15.”

A tireless road dog, Plant is looking forward to touring the way Vikings anticipated rape-and-pillage season. “I will drive them into the sea!” he shouts, brandishing an imaginary broadsword. “And God help anyone who tries to stop me.”

His raging appetites are temporarily extinguished by a cup of tea and a chocolate bar. The luuuuv, of course, comes straight from you, the Blender reader. . . .

How would you rate your new album alongside, say, Led Zeppelin IV?
FOURSTIXXX, CARSON CITY, NEVADA
In a way, that’s a preposterous question, because I’ve heard my new album only 50 times, and I’ve heard Led Zeppelin IV 50,000 times. The lifespan of the songs is the most important thing. With Zep IV, the band was young and firing like crazy, but this band is firing like crazy, too. I’ll be able to give a proper answer in 30 years’ time.

When did you last experience a bustle in your hedgerow?
BILLSROCK365, WAUKEGAN, ILLINOIS
I can’t tell you what “bustle in the hedgerow” actually means, because that would give it all away, but . . . most recently while admiring the last leaves to open — the leaves of the ash tree — in woods on the Welsh border.

What’s your favorite karaoke song?
GREASYMAN007, MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA
“Return to Sender.” I last sang karaoke in Beijing three years ago. I was up against this guy from Taiwan who was doing Beach Boys songs, and he was easily getting as much applause as I was. He was fantastic. Elvis versus the Beach Boys in Beijing. Interesting stuff.

What really went on at Los Angeles’s famed “Riot House” hotel, and when did you last check in there?
SHARKINCIDENT, WINDHAM, NEW HAMPSHIRE
The Riot House, a.k.a. the Hyatt House, was basically a kind of youth club where you had to pay to get in. And you had to pay even more when you left. I can’t check in anymore, because I was banned in 1972. They lift the ban only when the staff who banned you die.

Is it true that you had the smallest weiner in Led Zeppelin?
BRITTANYNINETEEN, ST. LOUIS
I think it was the weather. Put it this way: It’s amazing what you can do with a good spray can of starch.

It’s a wet Wednesday evening in May 1970 at Bron-Yr-Aur Cottage in Wales. What are the members of Led Zeppelin doing?
DANDYDAN51, TUCSON, ARIZONA
I don’t know what the rhythm section was up to, because they weren’t there. But let’s see, it’s a wet Wednesday. . . . Jimmy [Page] and I are dreaming of Rodgers and Hammerstein. The house had no power, no services and was on the side of a mountain. It was usually pissing down with rain. We have beautiful women with us, one each, an old English army jeep outside and a blue-eyed collie. They’d just invented the cassette machine with speakers, so during the sexual act — with the women, not the dog — we could play the tape really loud.

Is there a point beyond which a rocking gentleman can no longer wear leather pants?
PLANTFREEK, PHILADELPHIA
Yes. When gardening.

What image comes to mind when you hear the name of Zeppelin’s former manager, the late Peter Grant?
POPEYE_02, CATONSVILLE, MARYLAND
Backstage at London’s Wembley Arena in 1995, where I’d just played with Jimmy Page. That was the last time I saw Peter, and he was a kind, warm, frail guy who invoked so many wonderful memories. He was a different person from the man I saw at the end of the ’70s. He was clean, his vision was clean. He knew that he’d moved mountains, that he’d changed the world for artists. Since he arrived on the scene with Led Zeppelin as his power base, everything shifted in the artist’s favor. He rewrote the book.

Do you still collect old rockabilly records? If so, is there one rarity that you’d kill for?
LONGTALLSALLY, McMINNVILLE, OREGON
Yes, I still avidly collect rockabilly and old rock & roll records, and I would kill for an original copy of “Love Me” by the Phantom, on Dot Records. It was rumored that the Phantom was the brother of Pat Boone, because he was so much the antithesis of the crooner idea that Boone embodied. A note from Pat Boone’s dark side, can you imagine? I’ve got an English copy of the record, but I want the original from, I’d say, early 1958 on Dot.

You’ve said of the famous Zep biography, “I want to believe Hammer of the Gods because it’s done us huge favors in terms of aura,” but how much of the book is actually true?
BOYDZEPPELIN, HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT
Well, Boyd, I didn’t say that. It’s a misquote. It’s a pretty submissive comment, and I never would have said it. I don’t want to give any credence at all to the guy who wrote the book. I’d say maybe 50 percent is correct, but what’s missing is the lightness and joy and humor that were always present. But I don’t give a fuck — I mean, we stole songs from black guys who had stolen songs from older black guys. We were hardly innocent.

Have you seen Almost Famous? Wasn’t “I am a golden god!” one of your lines?
JIMSPENCERGO!, MADISON, NEW JERSEY
Jim, you’re absolutely right: I am the golden god. I proclaimed this with a smile — and I wasn’t standing on the roof of a house; I was at the top of a palm tree on the night of Bonzo’s [John Bonham’s] birthday in 1972. It was an unfortunate moment, because someone drove across the garden in a Cadillac and wedged it between two palm trees. And I was busy making sure everyone knew exactly who and what I was. I wanted to get it in perspective before the party really started. It was the night that George Harrison karate-chopped Bonzo’s birthday cake, and therefore had to be flung into the swimming pool.

What’s your fondest memory of the Starship, Zeppelin’s private plane?
TIPTOPTIM, PETOSKEY, MICHIGAN
Oral sex in turbulence.

Did you ever get into rave culture?
TWEAKER808, CHICAGO
Some of the music, but very little of the culture. The only rave I attended, which I thought was entirely appropriate, was in a warehouse in Hong Kong harbor the night of the handover, when the British left Hong Kong. Pete Tong and Boy George DJ’d, and it was pretty full-on. I enjoyed that.

How did your last telephone call with Jimmy Page go?
THEFIRMFANATIK, DUNWOODY, GEORGIA
What an excellent question. It was December 21, 2001. I said, “Hey, Jim, how’s it going?” He said, “Oh, Christ, I can’t talk now; everybody’s in the car waiting to go.” That was it. Word for word. I’ve seen him since, but that was the last telephone call I had with him.

Do you have any essential hair-care tips you could share?
BONZODAWG_1969, CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA
Just make sure you don’t go bald. Bull’s sperm is very good, they say.

You once met Elvis Presley at Graceland. Is there anything you wish you had said to him that you didn’t?
GREENMONKEY, BILLERICA, MASSACHUSETTS
I wish I’d said, “Can I come back tomorrow?” He was very funny, very self-effacing. It was a riveting and thoroughly entertaining two hours, which culminated in Elvis and me singing together in the corridor. We sang a song called “Love Me,” which goes [sings] “Treat me like a fool, treat me mean and cruel, but love me.” Then he signed an autograph, which read: “To Robert, a true friend. Treat me like a fool, Elvis Presley.” The woman I was living with kept it for 10 years, but finally gave it back when I surrounded the house with tanks. I said, “If you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t have joined. Give it back!”

What was John Bonham on when he recorded “Moby Dick” — and where can I get some?
TRIPLEKAT65, TOPEKA, KANSAS
He was on Hollywood and Vine, and you can find that on any good street map of L.A.

What was that thing you had in the ’70s with constantly exposing your bare chest?
OVERTHEHILLS, LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA
I had a circulation problem. I couldn’t circulate enough. No, it’s true — I wore neither a singlet nor a liberty bodice for a long time, and I could have caught my death of cold. I found that out in Winnipeg — I finally had to put a sweater on.

Who has weathered better: You, Jimmy Page or Eric Clapton?
MINTYFRESH, LAKELAND, FLORIDA
Oh, God! These are cracking questions, aren’t they? I can’t answer that one, though. I have to? Er, Jimmy Osmond.

Is it true you can’t play the intro to “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar?
TANGERINELADY, SANDPOINT, IDAHO
Absolutely correct. My fingernails are too long. But I can do this [picks up nearby mandolin and strums two basic chords]. That’s as far as I’ve got with “The Battle of Evermore.” But I did play a lead guitar solo when we were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We were onstage jamming with Neil Young, and he said, “Come on, Robert!” The other guys were like, “What?” But I took a solo and loved every second. No matter how crap I was. It was a priceless and unforgettable moment.

Can you still fit into the jeans you wore in the mid-’70s? If not, could I please have a pair?
PAMELAPUSSYCAT, DALLAS
Of course, Pamela, but I’ll have to give you a personal fitting.

My father tells me you were once in a band called Hobbstweedle. I know it was the ’60s, but dude, couldn’t you have come up with a half-cool name?
DAYZDNCONFUzED, LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY
The only reason I got the job in Obstweedle, which always gets spelled wrong, is because the original singer got food poisoning. They were a rock band playing Moby Grape and Buffalo Springfield stuff. I stood in for the stricken singer, and wasn’t there for long. You’re right, it’s a dreadful name — but it was at the last Obstweedle gig that Jimmy Page came along and waved his wand at me. He said, “Are you the roadie?” I said, “We can’t afford roadies.” He said, “I’m looking for Robert Plant.” I said, “So am I.”

What song can I put on that will make me happy?
FLORA-AOK, GALVESTON, TEXAS
You know, Flora, that’s the hardest question so far. I would suggest “Little Red Book” by Love, but it’s not happy enough. It’s got too many minor drifts in it. How about Dolly Parton’s “Stairway to Heaven”? Yep, that’s the one.

We all know you can strut like no one else, but what moves do you throw down on the dance floor?
ROLL_YEROWN, SIOUX CITY, IOWA
Ha! I hurl my laptop to the floor and assume the fighting position of a happy Nordic invader. It’s sad, but Anglo-Saxons can only dance to every other beat. And they should never attempt to dance to reggae.

When were you last so drunk that the juice ran down your leg?
PERCYLUVVA24, BUFFALO, NEW YORK
I find that when I’m drunk I can’t get the juice. There’s no point in spunking if you don’t know what you’re doing. I still enjoy a drink, but I don’t get drunk — I stop before that point. I drink red wine or beer or a gin-and-tonic, and I’m partial to chilled Stolichnaya. I know I’ll drink every day, but I haven’t lost my marbles yet. The room hasn’t spun since I lost my virginity. Back in the days of Prohibition.

Was there ever a point with Zeppelin where you thought, “That’s it, we’re all going to jail”?
BANDOLEER, LONDON, ONTARIO
Several times. The brutality of the police in the southern states in the early ’70s was unbelievable. In either Memphis or Nashville, the police brutalized the fans every time they stood up, so I did a Roger Daltrey spin with the mic and hit a cop on the back of the head. That caused a few problems. In those days, we regularly fell foul of paranoid prejudice. I was spat at in the face because I was seen as antiestablishment. We were always potentially in trouble in those areas, just by breathing.

Have you ever thought that you might be gay?
INTHROUGHTHEBACKDOOR, TULSA, OKLAHOMA
You don’t have to think about it — you know. Have I ever thought I might be gay? I don’t think so.