Dear Superstar: Moby

Usually, Moby sleeps like a rock star, rising in the afternoon, then restfully preparing his meat-free breakfast while the rest of his time zone trudges through the ass end of a workday. But this morning, electronica’s crossover king woke at 7 a.m. as though jolted by an earthquake, with his pulse racing and his thoughts jittery.

“I felt awful,” he complains. “For the last 20 years, I’ve had panic attacks every now and then. I’m just congenitally predisposed toward being uptight and anal.” He grimly shakes his bald head. “Relaxed people don’t have panic attacks.”

Aside from the pending release of his seventh album, 18, Moby seems to have little reason to worry. His 1999 CD, Play, mixed whiz-bang digital effects with sampled blues-gospel vocals and a stained-glass sense of beauty and awe, selling 9 million copies around the world. Driven by the hit “South Side,” featuring No Doubt’s Gwen Stefani, Play received nonstop air time in chic restaurants and clothing boutiques, and individual tracks continually popped up in movie soundtracks and ad campaigns. “Maybe I’m a rampant narcissist,” he says with a shrug, “but I like listening to my own music.”

On an early March evening, Moby politely greets Blender in the living room of his loft in New York’s Soho, a roomy space with trendy mid-century modern furniture and a deluxe recording studio. Born Richard Melville Hall 36 years ago in Darien, Connecticut, Moby is an eloquent advocate for his many passions: veganism, environmentalism, hardcore punk and Christ (“I love the teachings of Christ, but I don’t think of myself as a Christian by anyone’s conventional understanding”). With his anxiety attacks, scrawny frame and constant wisecracks, he’s a vegan Woody Allen. He’s even comically obsessed with sex — which, he insists, rarely comes his way.

“When I do online chats and take fan questions, the majority of them are very serious and earnest,” he reports. Thankfully, Blender readers were far less reserved, asking Moby about a rumored orgy, his enviable romance with Natalie Portman and how much money he makes. Short answer: a lot.

What’s the most money you’ve been paid for commercial use of a song?
ELOHSSA, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIFORNIA
Strangely enough, it was the first commercial I ever licensed my music to. Range Rover used “God Moving Over the Face of the Waters” in a commercial, and I got paid $200,000 for it. I gave every last penny to environmental organizations. Now, I don’t keep all the money for myself, and I don’t give it all away. Maybe it’s my WASPy upbringing, but I’d rather talk about drugs and sex than about giving money to charities.

Growing up in Connecticut, were you a preppie? Did you ever wear an Izod alligator shirt?
ANGELCHARLIE, COEUR D’ALENE, IDAHO
Unfortunately, my mother and I were too poor. [Laughs] I couldn’t afford Izod shirts. I would wear those fake Adidas with four stripes on them that you can get at Bradlee’s. J.C. Penney had these polo shirts with a fox on them instead of the Izod alligator. We could just about afford a J.C. Penney shirt. So I was a pathetic, wannabe preppie. Then I discovered punk rock and spray-painted the SEX PISTOLS on my J.C. Penney shirts.

You’re pretty much New York’s most eligible bachelor. Why aren’t you married yet?
CATFELL, PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND
I greatly dispute that. Markus Schenkenberg, Tommy Lee — that’s an eligible bachelor. It takes a unique woman to see me as any sort of catch [laughs]. It’s been a very dry couple of months. I’ve had some promiscuous periods in my life, but I’m very picky. And it’s not as though women are throwing themselves at me. The number of times I’ve been hit on my entire life: one. Of course I went home with her. Who wouldn’t? Oh, that’s right — I said I was picky, didn’t I? [Laughs] It’s a ruse.

Hey, Mr. Techno: Are you a good dancer?
CACCIATORE, BRYAN, OHIO
I love dancing, but it’s usually best if I dance in dark places where no one can see. You know how African-American comedians imitate white people dancing? That’s how I dance.

I sense that beneath the happy pop sheen of “South Side” lurks a sinister gangster vibe. Tru dat?
GABEK, CRESTED BUTTE, COLORADO
Yes, in a weird way. Almost a Fahrenheit 451 gangster theme. Not to sound even more like a pompous grad student, but it’s sort of the idea of youth gangs in a postapocalyptic environment where life has become so cheap that you go out at night and no one’s too concerned whether you live or die. I love writing songs that have a lighthearted, uplifting quality but a deeper undertone of menace.

I don’t want to sound too much like a lemming, but you inspired me to give up eating meat. Can you share with me your favorite fake meat product?
MDERIN, FREELAND, PENNSYLVANIA
Unfortunately, it’s called Tofurky. Hickory-smoked Tofurky slices are the tastiest things in the world. Words can’t even begin to describe them. Even meat eaters should bow down and worship hickory-smoked Tofurky slices. I’ve been a vegan for 16 years, with one lapse: I had yogurt in 1992. If anything could tempt me away from veganism, it’s New York thin-crust pizza. I’m toying with the idea of giving myself a day of indulgence once a year, on which I have a Pepsi and a piece of thin-crust pizza.

What does Gwen Stefani smell like?
SMILPLOY, EUGENE, OREGON
Ambition.

Your 1996 album, Animal Rights, bummed me out big-time. Was the whole thing about getting dumped? What did you mean by “Love/Make it dog-style” in “Come on Baby”?
MARY1975, CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA
I actually didn’t say “Love/Make it dog-style,” though I don’t quite remember what I said. I understand why you say it’s a bummer record. I was exploring the more intricate aspects of angst and ennui. They’re a Lithuanian juggling team: “The juggling stylings of Angst and Ennui.”

How come I wasn’t invited to that orgy you recently threw?
ROXYFOO, SAGINAW, MICHIGAN
First, it wasn’t an orgy. For my Christmas party, I rented a Russian spa way down in the financial district. There was a pool, a couple of hot tubs, steam rooms, saunas. It was the best party I’ve ever been to in my life. Alcohol, drugs, the whole nine yards. We had scantily clad women and men walking around feeding grapes and giving out drinks. The place holds about 200, so we had 250. People were naked for a lot of it, having sex in the steam room and the showers. But I didn’t. Ironically, I’m probably the only person who didn’t have sex. [Sighs] That’s the story of my life. At 3:45 in the morning, the person I’d been flirting and making out with for three and a half hours said, “Oh, by the way, I have a boyfriend.” She could have told me at 1 A.M.! Uch. I mean, it still hurts.

Who would win in a fight: you or Fatboy Slim?
XSM3SA, FORT LEWIS, COLORADO
Norman Cook, a.k.a. Fatboy Slim, is bigger than me, so he has the size advantage. But he’s also married with a child, so he’s probably more content than I am. I might win, because I’d unleash all my reservoirs of pent-up rage and angst. No matter who I was fighting, I’d most likely end up being the bigger psycho.

Would your new album sound the same if September 11 had never happened?
KARBUNCLE, SHREVEPORT, LOUISIANA
All the songs were written before September 11, but I had 150 songs, and the selection was definitely influenced by September 11. It has this very warm, open feel. September 11 is my birthday, and around 8:50 in the morning, my phone started ringing and ringing. Everyone knows I sleep until 2 in the afternoon, so I knew something was very wrong. I went up on my roof and watched it all happen, and . . . it was extremely traumatic.

Now that Pro Tools has introduced HD Hardware, should I upgrade to a 96 kHZ sampler?
DINGDONGWITCH, MEDFORD, MASSACHUSETTS
I have no idea. Even though I use Pro Tools and I know it very well, I still don’t understand that question. I have my own studio and I do all my own engineering, but I’m not really a gearhead.

If you were suddenly elected President Moby, what’s the first thing you would do?
BLAHBLAHBLAH, SOUTH BEND, INDIANA
I’d provide money for the development of sustainable and renewable energy sources. It’s absurd that the majority of our energy comes from oil and nuclear sources, because more energy hits the earth in the form of solar and wind power in one day than has been used in the entire history of civilization. I’ve read a lot of Osama bin Laden’s writings; he attacked us because he’s incensed at American troops being in Saudi Arabia. As a hard-core Muslim, he believes Saudi Arabia is sacred land. American troops are in Saudi Arabia to protect our petrochemical resources there. This is one reason among many I would never be elected president.

Do you still shave your head, or are you naturally bald by now?
OLGA-SMITH44, MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT
Both. If I didn’t shave, the top of my head would stay bald anyway, for the most part. Which is a tragedy up there with, like, the Hindenburg, as far as I’m concerned.

Other than your head, what else have you shaved?
DRESNICOFF, STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT
At one point I did shave my, um, pubic area. It was a Sunday afternoon, I was done shaving my head and I was like, “Ahh, what the hell.” I was bored.

Dude! Do you really know Axl Rose?
METALROOLZ, FORT BRAGG, NORTH CAROLINA
Sort of. Axl contacted me through his managers about producing the next Guns N’ Roses album, and I went to Los Angeles twice and spent time with him and the band. They have a soundstage in a studio complex that is the size of three basketball courts. As far as I know, they’ve been renting it for eight years. It’s one of those $4,000-a-day rooms. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve spent $10 million renting that place. Axl was really nice, soft-spoken, surprisingly talented. At one point, he was playing the piano and singing, and I was like, “Wow.” Definitely reclusive. They worked from midnight until 8 in the morning. Completely clean and sober — no one in the band drinks, no one’s allowed to smoke.

Would you rather be better-looking or have more money?
SWAMIPETE, LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY
Could I be better-looking and keep the money I already have? I would vote for that.

Since you’re a big Star Trek: The Next Generation fan, which captain would you boldly follow where no man has gone before?
MOBYFREAK, CHICAGO PARK, CALIFORNIA
It’s obvious: Jean-Luc Picard. I like all of them, but he has this sense of quiet dignity. Yes, I would lay down my life in battle for Picard.

Have you ever taken singing lessons?
AMYL, MIAMI
No. In fact, in sixth grade, I tried out for the choir, and I was the only person who was rejected. I did the library club instead [laughs]. I kid you not. You can’t make this material up. My voice is OK. That’s the nice thing about music: You can suck and still be successful.

I read that you dated every nerd’s dream girl, Natalie Portman. Is that true, you lucky bastard?
DEANWEEN, BREMERTON, WASHINGTON
We dated so briefly that you almost can’t call it dating. She’s one of my close friends, and has so much more character and substance than most people I know. At this point, she’s like my cousin. If we were to find ourselves making out again, it would feel a little incestuous.

Name a jingle you wish you’d written.
JONNYT, LAWRENCE, KANSAS
Um, the Mr. Plow theme. Homer Simpson started a snowplow company called Mr. Plow, and the theme goes [sings], “Call Mr. Plow. That’s my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.” It’s kind of a haiku.

I live in New York’s East Village and always see you in bars — but I thought you were straight-edged. Please explain.
IAMBIGENOCREEP641, NEW YORK
I was, for a long time. Then I stopped, because of a deep and profound love of liquor. I had a very long period in my life when I was uptight: I didn’t drink, do drugs, have sex. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve relaxed. I got tired of being an arrogant prick. The irony is, I’ve given up drinking again.

I know from your Web site that you’re a huge Simpsons fan. Which character do you identify with?
SAVOHW, AUSTIN, TEXAS
You know what’s really tragic? It’s Mr. Burns. Physically, I most resemble him. We both have terrible posture. We’re both inbred WASPs with receding hairlines. I probably spent eight years of my life watching The Simpsons for an hour every day. I’ve memorized most of the earlier episodes front and back. They used one of my early rave songs, “Drop a Beat,” in the episode where Apu and Manjula have octuplets. I called everyone I knew. It was my crowning career achievement.