Who Does Perez Hilton Think He Is?

That’s quite a self-portrait. Is music your only drug?
I think it’s good to promote music and not drugs. It upsets me when people glamorize drugs—like, NME magazine named Pete Doherty its Hero of the Year. Please. He’s the biggest douche of the year.

You endorse a lot of musicians on your site. Do they ever contact you?
Madonna, who I love, sent me a video. A video she made for me, where she asks me if I love her more than I love my dog Teddy and says she’s a good bitch and that she’ll get on all fours and fetch a ball for me. I’m like, Oh. My. God! I’m friendly with Katy Perry, Beth Ditto, Mika, Josh Groban. I was just texting Pete Wentz.

Do you have any annoying personal habits?
I fart a lot. But I always say, “Hey, I just farted.”

Very considerate. Ever videotape yourself having sex?
When I was, like, 16, I videotaped myself masturbating. I didn’t even watch it the whole way, then I deleted it.

On that topic, how would you describe your taste in sex?
I’ve incorporated food into sex before. See, I’ve been celibate for a while, but back when I was in shape, I was a big man-ho. I used to work out all the time, and then I stopped, and started eating not so great, and I became a fatso.

Being famous doesn’t help?
I wish! Gay men are really superficial. A lot of gay men don’t like fat gay men. I wouldn’t want to date me in my fat incarnation.

What would your ex-boyfriends say about you?
That I’m a very good boyfriend. But I’ve only had one. [Breaks into mock tears.] Waa-waa-waa!

Ever shaved any part of your body other than your face?
I’ve shaved my balls. Now I realize it’s better to just trim. And I once got my chest waxed because I was in San Francisco for the summer. It was a mistake. I broke out. It was not pretty.

What do people who don’t like you say about you?
That I’m annoying. “Perez Hilton” may be annoying, but the real me is not Perez Hilton. But now they’re kind of blending. I don’t even know who’s who.

When was your last booty call?
It wasn’t a booty call, but I randomly met someone in London in February. We made out … and I think he might have blown me.

Which has been the best day of your life so far?
I’ve yet to live it—this sounds sappy, but I really want to have kids and adopt some, too. I’ll be in Los Angeles at tennis practice with my five kids. I’m gonna be the gay Angelina Jolie.