Worst Christmas Songs Ever

4. “That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!,” Sufjan Stevens (no relation to Shakin’)
The most grating song off a twee-elf Christmas album that teems with manufactured quirk. Oh, look! Sufjan’s label is called Asthmatic Kitty Records! And he wears wings in concert, because he’s totally in an angel phase nowadays! He’s so, so precious. Here’s hoping Sufjan’s next magnum opus — the one after his symphonic tribute to the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway — explores a similarly compelling topic, like multigrain bread.

3. “Last Christmas,” Wham!
Too easy? Nah. The drum machines, the synth chimes, the triple-reverse-layered backing vocals — nothing about this song is remotely authentic. And then there’s the video, in which Andrew Ridgeley’s mystic hair and George Michael’s lady-lovin’ gyrations upstage the snowy holiday frolic. Separately, you gotta love the Web site devoted to the 222 (!) covers of “Last Christmas.” By sorting through and listening to them all, its developers have likely qualified for some kind of aural-health stipend. 

2. “The Christmas Shoes,” NewSong
This song traffics in convoluted Joycean metaphor, so it’s hard to interpret exactly what the lyrics mean. Is the singer pleading with a stranger to buy him a pair of shoes for his mom, who’s back on the pipe? Or is he hoping to outfit the baby Jesus in his manger scene with a new pair of retro Air Jordans? Religion is confusing.