Worst Christmas Songs Ever
7. “Blue Christmas,” anybody but Elvis Presley
Here’s a short list of artists who have tried, and failed, to add new dimensions to the King’s holiday classic: Sheryl Crow, Chris Isaak, Jon Bon Jovi, Celine Dion, Dean Martin, Harry Connick Jr., the gals from Heart, Willie Nelson, Kelly Clarkson, Johnny Cash, the Beach Boys, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Brooks & Dunn, the Partridge Family, Tammy Wynette, Sha Na Na, Carnie Wilson, Ringo Starr, and someone/something called Micky & the Motorcars. Mercy.
6. “White Christmas,” Robert Downey Jr. and Vonda Shepard
Yes, Virginia, there really is an Ally McBeal: A Very Ally Christmas CD. What makes this song so offensive to the ears isn’t just Downey’s approximation of the melody. No, it’s the very notion of the record, as cynical and loathsome a quickie cash grab as can be imagined. On the other hand, a Christmas feast headed by Ally McBeal and her twig-armed compatriots would be a blast, assuming you don’t mind subbing a single cashew for the usual eight slices of Christmas goose.
5. “Merry Christmas Everyone,” Shakin’ Stevens
We don’t know who Shakin’ Stevens is or why the occasionally taste-deprived people of England shot this record to No. 1, but we know this: Richard Marx could kick his ass.
