The Top 5 Worst Songs To Have Sex To
A perfect dinner. Engaging conversation. Now it's time, if you will, to set the mood with a little music. Just be sure to avoid the following songs at all costs.
5. "We Are The World," USA For Africa
There's no getting around it—famine relief just ain't steamy. Some of the more notable unsexy moments in this all-star jam: the harmonizing between Paul Simon and Kenny Rogers at :47, the first appearance of Billy Joel's beard at 1:00, Cyndi Lauper's unsubtle entrance at 2:51, the key change at 4:00... really, all of it.
4. "Theme From Mister Rogers Neighborhood"
From those opening keyboard trills, it's clear that romance is out of the question. But would it surprise anyone if this song were to one day provide a perverse soundtrack to, say, an erotic scene in a Quentin Tarantino film? No, it wouldn't. Someone (not me, please) get on that.
3. "Eat It," Weird Al Yankovic
Yes, it's a joke, but you don't really want to 'make love' (yes, that phrase is loathsome) while listening to lyrics about tuna casserole, do you? Thought not.
2. "Taps," Some Dude On YouTube
The military really knows how to kill the mood. Only commies and pinkos would want to get it on while listening to this.
1. "Kokomo," The Beach Boys
Despite the presence of tropical beaches, women in bikinis, evening campfires, and booze, there is nothing sexy about this latter era Beach Boys video, or song. "Kokomo" is the anti-"Darling Nikki," a song so devoid of sensuality that it's amazing any American or Australian babies were conceived in the fall of 1988, when this track inexplicably sailed to the top of the charts both here and down under.
Other non-sexy tidbits: "Kokomo" was written for the soundtrack of Cocktail, starring Tom Cruise. Actor and part-time Beach Boy John Stamos appears in the video as a percussionist. It was the first Beach Boys single to reach No. 1 without the help of Brian Wilson, who was unable to attend the recording sessions. The video was filmed at Walt Disney World. And if you needed any further reasons to never, ever have sex to "Kokomo," well... noted alleged molester John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas is one of the song's writers. [Dry heaves.]
BONUS: "Dueling Banjos"
Well, I guess SOME people would find this titillating.
EXTRA BONUS:
The Worst Avant Garde Song To Have Sex To: "The Gift," Velvet Underground.
Try it—very difficult to concentrate.
