American Idol Recap: Here's Who We Liked... Nobody

At one point during last night’s episode of American Idol the judges got so bored/cracked out that they started sitting in each other’s laps. Even Ryan got involved, perching on Kara’s knees like a life-sized Ken doll. Other behaviors that were the clear result of the ongoing producers notes to get wild out there: Let’s see, Paula got all pissy and pretended she was going to leave because now that they have a fourth judge they don’t need her. Paula and Kara pretended to make out. Simon held a contestant’s dog on his lap. Kara made weird vaguely flirtatious/predatory comment: “My job isn’t done until Simon tries something on me.” And, because the whole thing took place in Jacksonville, Florida and Randy’s last name is Jackson, we got treated to a look-at-Randy-when-he-was-in-Journey photo montage at the front end of the show. Fun times!
 
There was, however, some singing. Here’s who we liked: Nobody. What the hell is going on with this year’s auditions? Has America’s talent pool just completely dried up? We’re going to need new category distinctions to handle this.
 
Decent but not miraculous:
Julissa Veloz looked like a tranny pageant contestant with her weird sash, tiara, and sheets of clearly fake hair, but singing Whitney Houston is hard and she did a pretty decent job with “I Have Nothing.”
 




Anne Marie Boskovich is your classic beautiful, bland brunette. She was so dull that Simon demanded she leave and “come back as a different person” so she grabbed a tighter shirt out of the trunk of her mom’s car and returned to deliver a fantastic version of Colbie Caillat’s “Bubbly.”
 




Genuinely crappy:
Naomi Sykes started by likening herself to Mariah Carey then unveiled one of the single worst singing voices we’ve ever heard.
 





Not even that bad but totally maligned by the judges:
Michael Perrelli may have been freakishly attached to his guitar and wearing a bandana but his take on Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper” really wasn’t bad. They sent him home anyway because Simon thought Perrelli would “struggle within the parameters of this competition.” As if mental stability/fashion sense has ever been a prerequisite for an Idol success.