What’s it like to be on call 24/7 as the personal assistant for Memphis hip-hop titans Three 6 Mafia? Blender investigates.
It’s around this time that Juicy starts referring to me as his “white slave.” “Have you met Josh, my white slave?” he asks one fetching blonde, cracking himself up. “Man. My great-great-granddaddy would be
trippin’ right now.”
After the listening session—and yet another nap—the duo return to Shade 45 for a sex-centric talk show called
Lip Service. Tonight’s guests include a porn star named Vida Valentine and an adult-mag model named Kami 2 Hot. When we walk in, they’re talking about anal beads, and it only gets raunchier from there. Things turn so graphic that even Juicy seems embarrassed—which is saying a lot for a guy who once invited potential paramours to “slob on my knob/Like corn on the cob.”
Eventually Vida Valentine is persuaded to lower her jeans so that all may admire her ample backside. This gives Juicy an idea. “Hey,
Blender dude!” he shouts. “I want you to kiss her booty!” Before I have a chance to protest, the actress has turned, bent and thrust her Rubenesque posterior in the direction of my face. A chant goes up in the booth: “Kiss! The!
Booty! Kiss! The!
Booty!”
Again I remember Mahaffey-Muhammad’s advice:
Be cordial. Be flexible. Know where the gaps are and be ready to fill them. This probably isn’t what she had in mind. Still, an order is an order. I take a swig of Stoli, close my eyes and dive in.
“Oh my God!” Paul gasps. “Does he know where that ass has been?”
Later that night, Three 6 are enjoying dinner at a swank Chinese restaurant. It’s well after midnight, but fortunately someone (
ahem) thought to call ahead to keep the kitchen open. Paul raises his glass of orange-cranberry vodka and offers a toast. “To the ass kisser!”
There’s an album-release party for Snoop Dogg across town, but the guys are beat, so we settle up and catch a cab back to the hotel. And thus my time on the Three 6 Mafia payroll comes to an end.
“You did good, man,” Paul says in the lobby. “You’re a real trouper.”
“You my dude,” agrees Juicy, giving me a pound. “If I could afford to pay benefits, I’d hire you for sure.”
Satisfied with a job well done, I bid my now ex-employers farewell. But not before one last invitation to the strip club—Blender’s treat. “Maybe next time,” says Juicy, yawning. “Right now I’m not in the mood. Plus we got a 7 a.m. flight, and I’m exhausted.”
Stifling more yawns, the duo heads upstairs to bed. Three 6 Mafia may love having sex—but they’d really rather get some sleep.