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 David Archuleta
"Crush"
Few people hated American Idol cherub David Archuleta
more than us over the course of last season. Steam would burst out of
our ears as the potato-headed crooner let loose treacly ballad after
treacly ballad, pandering to teenage girls not cool enough to
like the Jonas Brothers. But still, Archie's first
dalliance into non-Idol pop is a welcomed surprise. Confession: We just listened to
the thing six times in a row and we're not terribly angry about spin
seven. "Crush" makes Miley Cyrus sound like Radiohead; this is boxed-in
Top 40 muzak that plays it safe in every way possible. Every note,
guitar scratch, ad lib is placed with watchmaker exactness. Songs like "Crush" are great because they sound as if the
radio immaculately conceived them. Thankfully, Archuleta skips the snoozer ballad territory here and aims for midtempo pop-rock adorned with slick drums and lovey-dovey lyrics: "I'm tryin' tryin' to walk away/ But I know this crush ain't goin' away." On Idol, he often performed tunes that were out of his realm and experience,
coming across like a little kid acting like a grown-up. "Crush" is a
teenage jumble of hormones and romantic idealism — the lizard-tongued neophyte nails it.
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Fatality:
Illustration by Grant Siedlecki
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As we cross our fingers and listen to 7even
Year Itch: Collective Soul Greatest Hits 1994-2001 in anticipation of a
David Cook win tonight, here are some random observations from last
night's performance show (with handy YouTube links built in):
 << David Archuleta's vocabulary consists of exactly 47 words. At least 20 of those words are variations of the word "gosh."
+ Seacrest is not happy about Michael Buffer handling the show's intro.
+ If he had to go the U2 route, Cook should've sang "With or Without You."
+ Nothing represents the manliness of forced boxing metaphors like Andrew Lloyd Weber.
 << Proof that the judge's comments are premeditated, part one. Paula: "We have found what we're looking for."
+ We hope Jim Lampley was paid handsomely for his fight night "insights."
+ Every original Idol song must include the words "moment" and "my," not necessarily in that order.
+ Randy: "I love Collective Soul."
 << Did Cook really have to roll with the unplugged guitar in the finale?
+
Collective Soul's "The World I Know" is currently at no. 50 on iTunes and rising.
+ Proof that the judge's comments are premeditated, part two. Paula: "The sun will never go down on you."
+ Just remember, whoever wins could be as famous as Ruben Studdard! |
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We've hated Archuleta all season, but we have to admit he dug deep into his bag of heartless rubber soul last night to make David Cook sweat. So why is he on the wrong side of Dial Idol's predictor poll? As Andew Lloyd Weber might say, it's all in the eyes:
More Idol finale coverage — including a Paula Pun Watch — tomorrow!
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Our
preparations for next week's Idol finale are vast and intricate.
Sweatshops in third world countries are currently churning out David
Archuleta voodoo dolls for us to poke and mangle. We're studying the
dictionary at least five hours a day in vague tribute to David Cook's
self-professed "word nerd" status. And, in the back of our mind, we
still hope early castoff Josiah Leming will come back and somehow
claim victory. Finally, we went ahead and commissioned an
exclusive drawing of Simon Cowell as Willy Wonka surrounded by his
Archuleta Oompa Loompas for your viewing pleasure. Read into it what you will. Check out our exclusive interview with Simon about his pick for the finale here, and remember: A vote for
Archuleta is a vote for terrorism.
Illustration by Grant Siedlecki
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 From the looks of disgust on Simon Cowell's face this season, it might seem like he despises each of the American Idol contestants with equal vigor. Not true! As Blender has learned, Simon despises one contestant less than the others.
Who do you think deserves to win this season? we asked Simon. "Probably David Cook," he drawled. "I think he's done more to deserve it over the eleven weeks. He's taken more risks, he's done things with certain songs that have been more interesting. If I'm gonna base it on who has done the best performances over the live shows, David Cook deserves to win."
Of course it's also true that Simon is coaching Cook this week, which means he'll sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," a ballad also recorded by Cowell's chart-topping X Factor discovery, Leona Lewis. "I love that song! David Cook didn't even know what it was," Cowell snorted.
For an obnox — uh, opinionated guy like Simon, nothing is more ruinous to good television than boring contestants. He was clearly not pleased with Jason Castro ("He just gave up — I get frustrated over that"). "There was a classic moment last week," Cowell continues unhappily. "We had these callers phone in and I forget what the question was — 'What do you like?' — and they just sat there. They couldn't talk. It was literally un-be-liev-able."
Is it because they're all working to ingratiate themselves with voters? "Of course! It's like they've studied the show and they don't want to put a foot wrong. And that's going to have to change, going forward. I want what I call gobby, talkative people on the show."
So, next season of Idol: gobby, talkative singers. We won't say which contestant Simon finds the most boring, but we will mention this: When told that his Blender interviewer bears a resemblance to David Archuleta, Cowell roared, "I would think you have a bit more personality than he does."
BONUS: Check out our weekly American Idol Scorecard round-up here.
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 << No Doubt head back to the studio to record their first album since 2001 ... which kinda sucks for guitarist Tom Dumont, who was this close to breaking the world record for thumbs twiddled. [MTV]
+ Mos Def will star as Chuck Berry alongside Beyoncé and Adrien Brody in the upcoming film Cadillac Records. Better that than another disappointing hip-hop record. [Billboard]
+ First they want us to name the price of their album and now they want us to remix their singles for them?! It's official — Radiohead are getting lazy. [Radiohead Site]
+ David Archuleta's high school pals talk about how he always says the same thing when you ask him how he's doing (probably because he's a robot): |
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 David Archuleta is increasingly looking like the one to beat on Idol this year. Last night, the 17-year-old took on John Lennon’s “Imagine,” and we sat back waiting for the inevitable ruination of a classic. Instead, Archuleta managed to deliver a soccer mom-friendly version that seemed earnest, emotive and alarmingly moving. It’s sort of comical how much better he is than the other nine guys left in the race. David Cook is still the most authentic rocker, Michael Johns the most promising hunky crooner, Chikezie the cheese ball soul singer with the best pipes, but little Archuleta made them all look like frat boys at a karaoke-themed mixer last night. We’re really hoping that Carly or Amanda – one of the girls with a little grit – will deliver a performance to rival Archuleta’s tomorrow night because otherwise we’re going to find ourselves grudgingly rooting for this kid who displays the oppressive cheerfulness of a pageant princess.
David Archuleta: "Imagine" |
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 After watching the final 12 boys compete last night, it's clear three dudes are far and away more talented than the other nine: Michael Johns, Jason Castro and David Archuleta. (And, if the world is just, Garrett Haley and Luke Menard should be the first men to exit on Thursday's results show.) We're fans of Michael Johns' straight-laced Michael Hutchence schtick, and Jason Castro could definitely sell records to the same people who can't get enough of Jack Johnson. But 17-year-old David Archuleta (who is murdering the competition according to Dial Idol) rubs us the wrong way. If it's not his aw-shucks, "everyday is 420" giggle, it's how he worked the Flashdance song into his intro video last night. Let's face it: Lil Davey's too-perfect charm is unsettling. He wreaks of child star — probably because he is/was one (see a 12-year-old Archuleta working it like a miniature car salesman while singing Alicia Keys's "Fallin" on Star Search below). We're convinced David's humbleness is as rehearsed as his vapid brand of "soul" singing — you just know the kid is smoking and cursing like a young Andrew Dice Clay once the cameras are off. Ultimately, though, the point is moot since this year's women are infinitely more talented than the guys, which should be quite clear when they take the stage tonight.
David Archuletta: "Fallin" (Star Search) |
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