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 Congratulations to God, who scored big at last night’s Video Music Awards. Big-time musicians aren’t usually the holiest of humans, and the values represnted by the Ten Commandments are generally flouted in MTV fare like “The Hills” and “My Super Sweet Sixteen.” And yet, He was everywhere at the VMAs, being thanked by acts from Britney Spears to Lil Wayne. It was almost enough to make you think He cares about the VMAs, but then you notice what Demi Moore was wearing and you think again. Maybe God was busy deciding the fate of the NFL’s opening weekend.
You know the VMAs are boring when the only person to start beef is Jordin Sparks. The American Idol champion, whose previous career has been notable mostly for her absolute lack of any interesting opinion or expression, hopped to the defense of the Jonas Brothers, who were recurringly teased by host and recovering sex addict Russell Brand. For Brand, who says he once had a “harem,” the Jonas’s decisions to honor God (yep, Him again!) by avoiding non-procreative sex before marriage must have seemed as odd as a Peruvian coca farmer who listened only to Minor Threat and was straight edge. After Brand’s 50th the-Jonas-Brothers-are-virgins joke, Sparks came onstage and said pointedly, “Not everybody -- guy or girl -- wants to be a slut.”
Brand wanted us to know that he loved sex, which is hardly a daring position to take on MTV. Sparks was more of a provocateur, if speaking up for a policy endorsed by religious fundamentalists can really be considered “provocative.” Should MTV teenagers believe, a la Brand, that having sex is cool, or, a la Sparks, that virginity is cool? As Paris Hilton brilliantly said to Sway during the pre-show broadcast, “I dunno.” This much seems certain: Neither Brand nor Sparks will be back onstage at next year’s VMAs, though sex and sexuality will makes their inevitable appearances.
Speaking of the pre-show, which was unbearably stagey and full of GRATUITOUS SHOUTING DESIGNED TO SIMULATE EXCITMENT, does MTV News put bug-eyed Jim Cantiello on the air just so he’ll make Tim Kash look good by comparison? Between Brooke Hogan and Christina Aguilera, who won the Donatella Versace Look-a-like Contest? Has anyone told Michael Phelps that with his goatee, he’s a dead ringer for music business executive Jason Flom? If you watched the pre-show on mute, would you have missed anything at all?
Back to sexuality: How about that Britney Spears, huh? Dressed in silver sequins, she stayed on message all night, giving three nearly identical acceptance speeches that might’ve been memorized off a Post-It note. She got offstage fast, avoided saying anything interesting, talked about God (yep, Him again!) and her family and refuted her highly-sexual past by dressing conservatively. Holy shit: Britney is the new Sarah Palin! Both are being spun, marketed and rebranded for maximum popularity, and in a country where salvation is always just a photo-op away, that means talking about God in public, no matter what you’ve done in private. |
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When these two soul slingers aren't selling hit
records, voicing animated flicks, winning American Idol competitions or
denouncing a woman's right to choose, they're out touring. That's right, like a
pair of traveling minstrels, R&B boy Jesse McCartney and barely legal diva
Jordin Sparks have joined forces and are coming to a town near you. Teenagers
rejoice, parents break down in tears.
"JESSE &
JORDIN LIVE" Tour 2008
Dates:
Tue-Aug-05
Sacramento,
CA Sacramento Community Center
Theatre
Thu-Aug-07
Los Angeles,
CA Orpheum
Theater
Fri-Aug-08
Glendale, AZ
Jobing.com Arena (Theatre Set-Up)
Sat-Aug-09 San
Diego, CA Humphrey's Concerts By
the Bay
Mon-Aug-11 Salt Lake City, UT
Abravanel Hall
Wed-Aug-13 Denver, CO Ellie Calukins Opera
House
Fri-Aug-15
Minneapolis,
MN The State
Theater
Sun-Aug-17 Detroit, MI Royal Oak Music
Theatre
Tue-Aug-19
New York, NY NOKIA
Theatre - Times Square
Wed-Aug-20 Boston, MA TBD
Fri-Aug-22
Atlantic City,
NJ The Ballroom at Boardwalk
Hall
Sat-Aug-23 Sewell,
NJ Commerce Bank Arts
Centre
Sun-Aug-24 Pittsburgh, PA
The Benedum Center for Performing Art
Wed-Aug-27 Toronto, ON
Sound
Academy
Fri-Aug-29
Washington,
DC DAR Constitution
Hall
Sat-Aug-30
Greensboro,
NC War Memorial
Auditorium
Tickets
will be available for purchase via Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-Phone and at
select Ticketmaster retail locations as well as online at AEGLive.com.
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 Jordin Sparks
"One Step at a Time"
Do
you ever find yourself randomly walking exactly in time with a song as
you scamper down a lovely city street in a bright spring dress? Well — funny thing — so does American Idol winner Jordin Sparks, who based the majority of
her new video on the fairly common "walking beat" phenomenon. It's
exactly as corny as it sounds. While Chris Brown and "No Air" helped Sparks delay the slide into the Idol dust-bin alongside Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, Disney-fied fluff like this will drop her back into the has-been file faster than you can say Sanjaya. Jordin
is best when brooding — her eyes searching in a slightly suggestive,
mostly melodramatic fashion. But here it's all jazz hands and
Joker-wide grins — bushy tailed tweens raised on Amy Grant will love this, but Jordin is better than that. 
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WHO: Jordin Sparks [ft. Chris Brown]
WHAT: "No Air" [Director: Chris Robinson]
WHY: As American Idol rolls on with a new season, last year's winner returns with a clip for the best song off her recent self-titled debut album. Sparks was our pick on last year's Idol but her solo career isn't getting off the greatest start — her LP is currently wallowing just inside the Billboard Top 50 and America has already moved onto a new crop of youthful upstarts. Such is life as a reality TV "pop star." On Idol, she impressed us with a theatrical look of longing that seemed beyond her years but, as we learn with this video, there's a limit to that puppy dog face. "No Air" is an incredible R&B power ballad and, as Randy Jackson would say, Sparks and Brown really blow on the track. It's a clinic for aspiring Idol-ers everywhere. But, on screen, there's little to no chemistry between the two. And we're still morally opposed to all videos that feature Chris Brown but do not feature Chris Brown dancing. Looks like somebody could use a special guest appearance on Idol ASAP. 
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